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They don't know how to explain it to the child. So I think I'm going to try harder to be more consistent and more empathic parents doesn't repair it, doesn't have these concepts. Um, I'm afraid that you're living in an emotionally neglectful environment with me. Um, because one of the things that happens with these children is that no one is no parent is saying, you know, honey, I didn't meet your needs this morning.
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Lindsay Gibson: 00:15:14 That is a beautiful description of the process where a person's internal strength, their ability to, you know, make it through a difficult, um, uh, unsatisfying situation becomes actually a liability when it gets too far into really, it's kind of like you, you learn to live on fumes and you call it a full tank of gas and you may not even be aware that you're not getting what you need. And so the healing fantasies are understandable, but they can keep you trying in a way that really isn't productive and prevents you from having a more genuine relationship in the present day with your parents. I mean, these parents, when you get older can be incredibly frustrating and draining and yet the adult child, many times to keep this fantasy going, that somehow they'll find a way to trigger some kind of deeper parental attachment and they will be able to get that love and emotional support that they missed in childhood and healing fantasy as poignant and understandable as it is, can really get in the way of finding a, a real genuine relationship on the terms that are possible in, in, you know, in present day life. And that healing fantasy is that's your driver, uh, in the relationship with these parents. Lindsay Gibson: 00:12:12 Um, either way, whether you're an internalizer or an externalizer, which we'll talk about soon, I think the healing fantasy is that I can do something, I can act out or I can find a way to change myself so that I can be in such a way that this parent will give me what I need in terms of emotional connection. And that's because the parent doesn't have the kind of empathic attunement to the child that makes the child feel seen and received and doesn't build up that sense of connection. Um, I'm, I'm having to try to hardest this is not coming easily. And yet somehow I feel set apart or I don't feel like I belong where I don't feel this good connection.
And that ends up leaving the child on the state of emotional loneliness where, you know, here I am, I'm with my parents, I'm with my family. So what ends up happening through that lack of empathy from the parent is that the child feels like they can't get close enough yeah. They, they are very limited in their ability to do that. For instance, they may feel empathy or sympathy for somebody who's not real close to them, but when it comes to say their, their child who needs the parent to feel for them or to genuinely resonate with their emotional experience. Uh, they can show empathy in situations that aren't, yeah. Um, that is a hallmark, uh, the lack of empathy. Lindsay Gibson: 00:08:47 Oh, thank you so much for bringing that up because yes. It may take good care of you when you're sick, but when it comes to making you feel valued and listened to and heard and seen, instead, they tend to pull back when that kind of intimacy is needed. They may give gifts, they may loan you money. Um, they tend to be kind of concrete and material that way. They tend to be in a rush a lot of the times because there's an uncomfortableness about them and they're not the kind of cuddle the parent that would talk to you about your feelings or help you to get through a tough time, but they might be great when you're sick. Um, they don't have a lot of patience and forbearance and warmth that children need. Uh, they're real black and white thinkers. They may be great socially, they may be great at their job, but when it comes to intimate relationships, they tend to be very self involved. Lindsay Gibson: 00:04:56 So it's a emotionally immature means that they tend to have kind of stopped developing psychologically in some ways.
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